Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
