I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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