nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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