When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
