Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
