Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
