But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
