I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
