I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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