I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
