Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
