i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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