she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
