Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
