Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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