is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
