Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Randomize
