dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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