Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
