it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
