My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
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I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
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She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.