Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.