Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
21 Reasons You’ll Be Forever Alone
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful