I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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