How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
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