There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
