You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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