You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
