Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I think my fart just growled at me.
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That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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