can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I smell like Dick and happiness
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