EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
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There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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