Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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