Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I think my vagina is haunted
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
