I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem