lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.