people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize