hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Sext me about skeletons
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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