Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Randomize
