I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
