He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Randomize
