It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
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