And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
cat food counts as protein by the way
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
