I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
