I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
