In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
