I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
