We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
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