also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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