Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
