I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
