If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
But i did once see a show where a women was homeless and installed a stove in a school bus so she and her baby could live there since all the seats were taken out. As far as being homeless goes it didn't look half bad...So this is me promising to you that if i ever am living in an abandoned school bus...i will at least pimp it out with a stove so you can come over for dinner sometimes
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
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