i just sent this text using only my big toe
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
