Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
