I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
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The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
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Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
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