Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
