i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
