My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I just had sex on a roof
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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