You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
